Domestic violence is one of those issues that has overcome tremendous social and legal obstacles over time, but is still largely misunderstood. While domestic violence has been popularly shunned in practice and embraced as an important contemporary women's issue, instances of domestic violence are still very much a public concern.
These instances of violence will continue to go unnoticed and unpunished unless we continuously address the issue holistically. We must endeavor to provide support, legal protections and research into the issues surrounding domestic violence. It is largely up to our generation to make the practice and social moirés that feed domestic violence a thing of the past.
As part of our commitment to highlighting issues such as these and empowering our readers to create positive social change, we are spotlighting an impressive organization, Shelter Our Sisters.
Established in 1976, Shelter Our Sisters (SOS) is a New Jersey-based organization whose mission is to identify abuse and counsel victims, through shelters and hotlines, with the ultimate goal being self-sufficiency. Along the way they offer emergency and transitional housing and training and education for the community as well. Ology interviewed Executive Director Elaine Meyerson, who answered our questions about the demographics associated with abuse (it's not just one group), the U.S.'s relationship to abuse, and how we can get involved. Read on to see Meyerson's answers -- some facts you won't expect -- and a list of resources.
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Ology: Why did you personally get involved in Shelter Our Sisters? What has been the most joyful and challenging aspect of your work there?
Elaine Meyerson: As a professional social worker, 24 years ago I was excited to have the opportunity to lead a well established (incorporated in 1976) and well respected agency whose purpose was to help women and children, who are victims of domestic violence, to be safe and live violence-free. It’s a joy to see former clients at the annual picnic who tell me about their personal progress.
Many trustees get involved with SOS for many different reasons: They want to share their professional skills with a charitable agency. They experienced violence in their own family or with a partner, and/or they have a personal interest in the issue of domestic violence. One statement from a recently appointed trustee:
“I was at a stage in my life where it was time for me to commit my time and passion as well as my money to a charitable cause. As a professional business woman, I wanted to focus on helping women that had not been as fortunate as me. I went to the Awards Dinner a few years ago (the same one that is coming up on May 12) and heard a former client speak to the group about how SOS had helped her and her children. That night I made up my mind that this was the organization to which I would commit. It is an honor to work with such professional and committed staff to help women and children in need of assistance. SOS and its staff help change lives!”
Ology: Are there myths or misnomers about domestic violence (DV) that you hope to publicly dispel or correct as part of your work?
Elaine Meyerson:One of the primary myths is the domestic violence occurs mostly in poor families and in the homes of minorities. Domestic violence does not discriminate by race, income, religion or age.
Ology: Often we hear about women who refuse to leave or are fearful of leaving abusive situations. Could you explain why this might happen and how SOS endeavors to help these women make that leap to a safer situation?
Elaine Meyerson: Women are at a 75% greater risk of being killed when they leave their abuser. Making the decision to leave is not a simple one and it’s even more complicated if there are children. The woman weighs her financial needs, the children’s preference to be home with their toys and with their dad, the support of her friends/family and the hope she has that he will change, in conjunction with the level of fear, stress and risk she feels.
At Shelter Our Sisters, the counselors support the women who choose to walk through our doors. Counselors work with her by empowering her to make positive decisions for herself and her children to work toward self-sufficiency and a healthy lifestyle.
Ology: Why is it important for young women to get involved and learn more about domestic violence? What can young women do to develop more societal awareness and prevention?
Elaine Meyerson: Young women are vulnerable to become victims of domestic violence. Approximately one in three adolescent girls in the United States is a victim of physical, emotional or verbal abuse from a dating partner. It’s important that teens and young adults learn how to respect one another. It’s imperative that young women learn about the “red flags” or warning signs so they may protect themselves and seek assistance if necessary.
Teens and young adults can take a proactive role in educating their peers and their communities. A wonderful example in Bergen County [New Jersey] is the Domestic Violence Awareness Club at Tenafly High School. In addition to educating students, this club participates in volunteer projects and raises funds for SOS.
From Family Violence Prevention Fund, www.endabuse.org
WHAT TYPE OF RELATIONSHIP ARE YOU IN?
Does your boyfriend or girlfriend:
- Communicate openly with you when there are problems?
- Give you space to spend time with your friends and family?
- Supportive and respectful?
If you answered yes to these questions, it is likely that you are in a healthy relationship. Trust your own instincts about your relationship to keep yourself safe and comfortable.
Does your boyfriend or girlfriend:
- Control where you go, what you wear, or what you do?
- Try to stop you from seeing or talking to family or friends?
- Call you derogatory names, put you down, or criticize you?
- Threaten or scare you?
- Hit, slap, push, or kick you?
- Force you to do something sexual when you don’t want to?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, your health and safety may be at risk. If you think you may be in an abusive relationship, there are people you can talk to and resources that can help.
GET HELP:
If at any time you feel that you are in immediate danger, call 911.
Below are national hotlines that can help you 24 hours a day, 7 days a week:
National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline
There are also local shelters, domestic violence and sexual assault agencies, teen programs, and family violence support groups that can help you stay safe. For more information, call any of these hotlines or ask an adult you trust about your local resources.
866-331-9474
866-331-8453 TTY
National Domestic Violence Hotline
800-799-SAFE (7233)
800-787-3224 TTY
Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network (RAINN) Hotline
800-656-HOPE (4673)
Remember, you have the right to a violence-free relationship. The abuse is NOT your fault.
Ology: Has the general treatment of domestic violence changed positively in the past few decades? Has there been steadily more funding, advocacy and resources for women in unsafe situations, or have recent economic and political circumstances made things worse?
Elaine Meyerson: Funding of critical programs is always a challenge. We all must be steadfast in our advocacy efforts with the government and with our communities. State and local funding varies by state and county. The federal government has provided different streams of funding particularly through the Office of Violence Against Women and the Housing and Urban Development office. SOS was fortunate to receive Recovery Act funding to expand our transitional housing apartment program and add a technical and job training component.
In addition, over the last decade I have seen many more companies focusing their philanthropic efforts on domestic violence, such as Target, Verizon, Avon, Allstate and CITI. We commend these corporations/foundations and the many other businesses that are not listed here, which also share their resources. We also so greatly appreciate our local community of donors who understand the needs of battered women and their children and want to support SOS and other organizations with similar missions during this difficult economic time.
Ology: How does the U.S. compare to other developed countries when it comes to the prevention and treatment of domestic violence?
Elaine Meyerson: Domestic violence occurs in all cultures and I am not familiar with any statistics or research. This is a difficult topic for me to write about as it needs further research. If you would like I am including two paragraphs from an article:
(From: Domestic Violence and Culture: Moving toward more sophisticated encounters; available in PDF online) Fernando Mederos Ed.D. writes: “There is a universal tendency to think that other people are more violent...it is in their blood or their culture”. When this is applied to physically abusive men, it translates into, “Our batterers are deviants, and theirs are in the cultural mainstream.” In reality, all cultures have ways of giving people permission to be violent. In fact, there are very high rates of perpetration of violence by men against women in the mainstream Anglo culture…In reality there is a widespread and pervasive pattern…In mainstream European American culture, there is a covert or surreptitious system of male supremacy that underlies much of Anglo batterers’ behavior…On the other hand, men who are imbedded in overt or direct systems of male supremacy openly expect women to subordinate themselves…Men from cultures where there is an overt system of male supremacy may not be more violent or less prone to change than those who grew up in a covert system.
A “covert” abuser may “not make direct claims for women’s obedience, but they tend to react strongly when a woman does not meet their expectations…In other cultures where abuse is overt, a “simple disagreement by a woman may be seen as disrespectful…she may be seen as a rebellious bad wife who has turned her back on her culture and is trying to destroy her family.” Some typical comments from this group are, “Where I come from, everybody does this.” “It’s just about being a man.” “This is normal; all men from (back home) beat their wives.”
Ology: It has been reported that other less publicized forms of domestic violence have been on the rise, such as violence among homosexual couples. Does the domestic violence advocacy community look at these scenarios differently, or are they much alike in terms of protecting victims and punishing perpetrators?
Elaine Meyerson: They are alike. Abuse/DV is about power and control and that looks the same in the gay community, as well. Gay or lesbians may have an added barrier to escaping DV if they don’t want to “come out” or may fear repercussions as a result of being gay. Also there may be a sense of not wanting to air dirty laundry to the broader community, in other words there is a fear that it will be perceived as a gay problem, rather than a DV problem.
In the NJ Prevention of Domestic Violence Act, same-sex couples are protected. Today we no longer just speak about “spouse abuse”; the laws go beyond protection against a spouse. The NJ law, for example, includes those who are residing in the same household, if you have a child in common and dating relationships if the perpetrator is 18+. This law therefore protects step-relatives, roommates, etc.
Ology: What, in your experience, has been the most productive method for helping women overcome the emotional and personal burden of experiencing domestic violence? Is there a mantra, counseling method or support system that helps most, or is it different for each person?
Elaine Meyerson: It is most important that friends, relatives and neighbors listen to and believe a woman who has been experiencing domestic violence. While living in a home where she has been traumatized, she feels she has nowhere to turn and that she was responsible for his abuse. It’s preferable that a victim participate in a counseling group with other victims. This modality is a very supportive environment (as is living in a shelter), and the women gain strength from one another. At SOS we work on the empowerment model and support women’s efforts to gain control over their own lives and make their own choices and decisions that will benefit them and their families.
Ology: Do you think laws and social mores are effective in deterring people from committing domestic violence? Are the laws and treatments for offenders effective in eliminating repeat offenses?
Elaine Meyerson: I believe that today, with the increase in community education and profiled cases (Chris Brown, O.J. Simpson) in the news, that people are less tolerant and more understanding toward victims.
Yes, the laws are effective. NJ has one of the best domestic violence laws in the country. There is less recidivism when the law is effectuated properly. (I do not have stats on this at this time.) Restraining orders give the victim control over her life and the means toward living a life free from violence.
Ology: Is it ever possible for a victim of domestic violence to return to the home where he/she was violated?
Elaine Meyerson: Yes it is possible. If a victim wants to return home, whether or not they are residing in an emergency shelter or elsewhere, it is important that they work with a domestic violence counselor to establish a safety plan. If the perpetrator remains in the home he needs to commit to change and take responsibility for his past behaviors.
Ology: I understand you are preparing for a big fundraising event [the Annual Awards Dinner & Silent Auction on May 12] in the coming weeks. What can people do to help, both SOS and other similar organizations?
Elaine Meyerson: People can support this important event by getting a group of friends together and attending this fun evening. There will be plenty of tasteful food and an open bar. We also have a silent auction where you can bid for fun prizes. There will be a delicious sit-down dinner and dessert. And the affair will be held in the new ballroom at The Venetian in Garfield, NJ. If you can’t come, you can sponsor an ad in the event journal or donate a gift for the silent auction or simply make a general contribution.
The best way to help an organization is to call a non-profit and ask them what their greatest need is.
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It may seem overwhelming, but here are more resources for yourself or for someone you believe is the victim of abuse:
Shelter Our Sisters Hotline
Bergen County, NJ
201-944-9600
New Jersey State Hotline
800-572-SAFE (7233)
National Domestic Violence Hotline
800-799-SAFE (7233)
800-787-3224 TTY